QUEER ISSUES!

ARE BOYS SEXUALLY ABUSED? PART II

HOW BOYS ARE SEXUALLY ABUSED

There is hardly any doubt that boys are sexually abused but the question we have long avoided is how boys are sexually abused. The knowledge of this will help us tell apart male sexual abuse cases and those that are not. In this article, we would learn who the abusers are and how boys are sexually abused.

According to statistics on the internet, it is clear that a greater percentage of abusers are well-known and trusted caregivers, relatives or those in higher positions of authority. Here’s a rundown on the categories of abusers: parents, nannies, relatives, siblings, teachers, bullies and other paedophiles. Besides, remember that everyone but you is a suspect: a potential abuser. Boys can be sexually abused by these groups of people through manipulative means such as coercion, persuasion, and exploitation of their ignorance and innocence.

The manipulative means becomes quite effective because these aforementioned categories of abusers, most times, are older than the victims. Cowed and intimidated by their bigger nature, the boys feel inferior to them. It is common for children to be susceptible to those whom they regard as elders. This natural susceptibility creates room for the abusers to prey on boys’ innocence with threats or force either physically or mentally. Such statements as, ‘If you scream, I will report you;’ ‘One more word and I’ll let your secrets out;’ ‘If you refuse to lie with me, I’ll shout “Rape! Rape!” at the top of my voice;’ or even such scarier ones as, ‘A word about this to anyone and I’ll slit your throat or pull the trigger,’ are psychologically manipulative words in situations like this. Other threats could take similar forms depending on the category of the abuser. In those moments, fear is the driving force in the mind of the victim. Of course, life is too precious to be traded for a ‘mere’ abuse. Almost anyone found in that situation would helplessly choose silence over the threats posed at them.

Other soothing persuasions could be through sweet talks, sugar-coated words, seductive and alluring language such as: ‘Boy, come on, let me touch and play with your thing;’ ‘When I suck it you’ll enjoy it;’ ‘Could you rub my hole?’ ‘Could you squeeze my boobs and suck them?’ ‘Come and suck breast;’ etc. These words trick boys’ conscience. It is indeed very easy for boys to yield to these requests, especially if the requests come from loved ones and those around them. In such cases, the battle of whether to or not to give in has been overcome by love or fear: love for the individual, love for their reputation, fear of letting secrets out, fear of being punished, among others.

To cap it all, ignorance is a principal factor in cases of male child sexual abuse. Ignorance abounds in the minds of children and ‘we’ have helped fuel it. If only we taught the boys what constitutes sexual abuse, they would most likely not give in to such an act or they would know how to react in time for their safety. For instance, if a child does not know about fire, it would take and treat fire as a toy and a play ‘object’ until it is burnt severely and left to deal with the scars that follow. This illustration clearly points out the dangers of ignorance. With the established fact that children are, in their nature, ignorant of certain things, we understand that ‘predators’ would not trade for another thing the slightest chance to prey on the ignorance and innocence of boys. At the other end of the spectrum, a boy may be abused because he does not know how to save himself. While we expect these boys to think wisely, we should understand that if they are not well grounded with quality information, they cannot help themselves out. The saddest part is that until ignorance is replaced with knowledge, boys may never speak up or become proactive unless the abuse is uncovered by another fellow. Ignorance kills.

So, what really constitutes male sexual abuse?
 Fondling with the male genitals of the child to inflict pain or to derive pleasure by whomever
 Sucking the genitals or the areas around them by whomever
 Massaging parts of the male body to arouse sexual feelings by whomever
 Touching or talking about the male body in an inappropriate manner
 Talking about inappropriate sexual topics
 Sexting
 Making a child give them sexual pleasure

Conclusion
It is fairly certain now that boys are sexually abused because of threats, persuasion, ignorance and innocence. Every human being would strive to do all it takes for their lives to still be theirs. You would do so; I would too. However, we should understand that in situations like this, the silence is never worth the abuse. Nevertheless, ignorance plays a primary role in powering sexual abuse. Although it may be argued that in some abuse cases, the boy gives ‘consent’, we should not fail to acknowledge that boys are not solely responsible for their actions. Before the law and society, children are considered as a minor.


Thanks for reading this far.

What are you thoughts on this issue? Are they similar to mine or different? Are there other things you would like to add or say? Please do tell in the comment section below. I would be pleased to read your thoughts and views.

QUEER ISSUES! ARE BOYS ABUSED: A NARRATIVE OF THE OTHER -PART 1

It has truly been uneasy for me to descend into the male gender discourse owing to the fact that the existing and persisting literatures have over the years been wrapped around the exoneration of women and the consequent denigration of men, so to speak. In other words, recent genderlectal discourses, since the advent of feminism, has been to rewrite the order of women so that the men are, in my opinion, the strange, the ‘other human’ (‘other’ for short), different from the woman depicted as ‘I’ (as when one says ‘I and the other’). The other is now demarcated by the females(the I), making the females the real subject of discussion.

The feminist narrative is certainly not out of place as it rebukes a large number of age-old perceptions, conceptions and misconceptions. Since people’s perception has tended to be, if not, totally shifted to it, it has however created otherness (which is the male discourse), making a great many undermine a lot of queer issues concerning the other, especially in child abuse. This gap is thus what this article intends to fill faithfully. The article is completely a narrative of the other, so we can have a very faithful platform to ask, ‘Are the boys also sexually abused?’

And the notion is still trendy: Boys cannot be abused. Right from inception, it has been believed, especially in our African society, that males cannot be abused. This notion is upheld probably because of a man’s physique. His physique is biologically noted to be stronger and a bit more powerful. Again, he not the woman has no hole to be thrust into, thus making it was for him to overwhelm the woman as it were.

In addition, it is believed that all males are man enough to avoid abuse no matter the cost. In relation to that, what can we say about a boy secretly abused by his nanny or by his older female cousin? Yes, I know what’s going through your mind. You may count this as an exception but that’s what it is.
In the past centuries, the earth has been a man’s world. The women had no voice. As a result of this, advocates for women’s right sprang up. Currently, the rights of women are relatively established and their history rewritten into relevance.

It is believed that a man should stand up for his rights in his world. However, we tend to forget that there are children who are not as assertive as others are. These children keep the abuse a secret. Nothing seems to be done about this.

Society has helped fuel the abuse of the male child. How has it done this? It has turned all its attention to the female child. This leaves the male child with no one to confide in.

According to data, 1 out of every 9 girls under the age of 18 are sexually abused. (Fin Kelhor et al, 2014). More recent data reports that 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse during childhood or adolescence. ( Romano, Moorman, Ressel and Lyons, 2019). Sexual abuse often goes unreported and rates of nondisclosure are often higher among males than females. This proves that the statistics of the male abuse rank higher than the females.

Thanks a lot for your audience. I hope you enjoyed the read. My partner and I will do well to write more on this topic later. See you in the next year!

Xoxo,
Favour Efiok

THE JOURNEY, SELF ACTUALIZATION

Eyes watching you. . .mouths yelling at you. . .ears listening to your deeds. . .hands ready to slap you. . .legs ready to kick you when you do wrong. . .brains ready to keep the memory alive. . . .

I can’t say that all has been pleasant but I can say that these things either shape or break us depending on how we choose to see things.

Yeah! She shouldn’t have said it. Those words hurt you so badly. In short, you lost your game. Hold on! Who says you have to let those words hurt you? No one. So, choose to let things that add value to your life affect you.

This is not a green light to all those out there that abuse people emotionally.

Who you are today is as a result of your thoughts, actions and inaction. Who you are going to become will still be as a result of your thoughts, actions and. . . . The choice is yours.

You are on the road, self actualization, all you have learnt, studied, acquired, comes to play on this road. The ability to discipline yourself even when no one’s watching plays out. What you do with your time without a laid out activity plan like the ones in high school is solely your business.

Hey, stop dreaming afar off. This, again, is not a go ahead to live life any which way.

Well, just know this, your yesterday, so full of memories and experiences paved way into today, full of actions, decisions, inaction that will eventually welcome tomorrow. The cycle continues and the journey never terminates.

The ball is in your court!

Are you living a life you’d be glad to show yourself in the next decade?

Avoid regrets. Make the necessary u-turn before it is too late!

The Journey, Self actualization.

💡: When once we are born, we have begun the journey to self actualization. This is a fact whether we accept it or not. Along this road, we come across feelings, emotions amongst which regrets thrive. That is the major obstacle on this journey, next to fear.

What is regret?

Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to an undesirable situation. Regret is related to perceived opportunity. Its intensity varies over time after the decision, in regard to action versus inaction, and in regard to self-control at a particular age.

21 Ways to Stop Regretting The Past and Finally Move On

1.) Make a regret bonfire. Either metaphorical or real.

2.) As a different question

3.) Break the cycle

4.) Apologize

5.) Prevent further regret

6.) Put things in perspective

7.) Give yourself a second chance

8.) Give others a chance

9.) Tell your regret no

10.) Realize you’ve moved on

11.) Live in the now

12.) Realize it’s never too late

13.) Stop living in an imaginary past

14.) Move on through kindness

15.) Write out a ‘regret’ vs ‘proud of’ list

16.) Decide you’ve done your time

17.) Take a radical action

18.) Build a library of quotes

19.) Go on a mission

20.) Make it personal

21.) Think of friends and family

Xoxo,

Favour☺

Black and white

This is a freelance and I just felt a need to appreciate the black culture and everything it represents. It’s also a means to allow us understand that there should be lno divide amongst us and that we are all a part of God’s divine plan. Equality is key.Colours, so many colours but then one colour stands out… black. A colour so consuming, so special, but one at first does not see the truth behind it. One might not understand the mystery behind this colour. The emotions, the struggle, the stories, the love behind this one colour. We overlook it. Black is the colour of untamed urges. Its is the colour of men and women with beautiful minds and terrifying pasts. It’s not just a colour, it’s a culture. Our skin showing our abundance in melanin. The pure euphoria one gets when they finally understand this beautiful concept. The black history so inspiring yet so heartbreaking. The tales of Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Nelson Mandela and other amazing black people whose lives and works attest to the fact that being black is a struggle. Negro, they call us. Our blackness a constant reminder of the dark pasts we have. The families broken, the lives lost, the pain. Segregation,the monster that divided us all those years. The wars fought,the brothers lost,the blood shed on the battleground war front, guns pulled out ready to fire. Black blood dripping from the hands of the mercenaries.. our supposed superiors. Coloured people being treated like dirt. The rise of our heroes. The fight for recognition, for our rights. The days lapse, sun and moon forgotten and then eerie silence, soundless tranquility.Then a sound breaks through, one so beautiful, so foreign… laughter. A girl, white girl hand in hand with a black girl. The image so heart melting, the possibility of something so beautiful happening seemingly impossible. The contrast between the two skin tones evident but the harmony… ying yang. Black and white, a combination so unlikely but when brought together resulting in so much happiness, togetherness. A sight so enchanting that it bores deep into your soul and stirs something within you. Integration now achieved, unity in diversity ….. a world no longer black and white but black with white.

Keyukemi🌻

Sweet Confusion

No road sign could help my state, and no road marshal or traffic warden could truly understand, perhaps explain what was going on. I was lost in my world on the road to pursuing my dreams.

In troops they marched down– the obstacles in my way were becoming so many and the worst of it, the obstacles were in motion. Slowly they moved and quickly, the traffic was formed. I didn’t just understand. When did it all happen? Was I asleep? Did life suddenly press the pause button?…What happened?

It is amazing how I woke up every single day ignoring the blaming horns of my emotions, the congestion of my feelings, the flagging-off of my past, the warnings of my experiences and the traffic in my life.

Here I am today, stuck in the holdup that built in my life, encompassed in the web of life.

…I AM cOnFUsEd…

💭 Oh, how ignorant human race is! It is disheartening, or should I say, heart rending to know that we later come to the realization of the entangled web we are in when little or nothing can be done.

Are you living a sweet confusion?

THE STRANGER

It comes and it goes hides.

It comes once in a while or often.

We don’t know why it comes,

We can’t tell the precise moment it comes.

We have lived with it for a while,

Perhaps since we were born.

We have no control over it.

It tears us apart.

The slightest critics hurts,

The high hopes being dashed,

All work hand in hand

To bring out the worst in us.

Sometimes, it makes us regret.

Sometimes, it hardens our hearts.

Most times, it steals our joy and esteem.

Every time, it shuts us in.

Fear is the stranger of all times.

That is the supposed mystery. Discover your stranger within and let’s talk in the comments below.

Xoxo,

Imani💞

CHANGE…nothing more permanent

Everything changes

If I recall vividly, earlier this year, it was a bit cold and dry for those living in the tropics and cold and snowy for those living in the temperate regions. Summer is already here then autumn followed by winter and the cycle continues. At those various times of the year, temperature fluctuates and humans have to adapt. The same applies to cycles of human existence.

The fact that you woke up today with a large grin on your face doesn’t guarantee same for the following day. Circumstances, events and people have major influences on our feelings but we do not have to dwell on it because that too shall pass. We are guilty of wanting a good moment to last forever and that is okay but residing in those moments is like creating a fantasy in your mind which hurts when reality gives you otherwise. So, you can say it is indeed an ‘expectation versus reality story’.

Please I am not saying you shouldn’t have expectations. All I am saying is that amidst your expectations and work to achieve them, do not wrap your emotions around your expectations so much so that you are suicidal when expectations don’t come true.

Ashley loved playing outside during her leisure while growing up as a child. As she grew, her leisure was shortened as she had to put more time and energy into reading. She wished she had more leisure but as time went on, leisure was a thing of ‘those days’. School work, house chores and puberty constituted her free time. She tried all she could but to no avail rather, all she got were stressful nights, regrets, pools of tears and emotional trauma. It was then she realized that to cope with change, she needed adaptation.

I may not be aware of the changes you face in life often but those I know would be vital. You should be willing to let go of bad times that went before, live in the present while hoping and working for better days. Every living being can adapt to change and you are a living being. Amidst your adaptation, be careful to avoid getting stressed out, depressed, pessimistic, dejected, ripped, down and out and lots more. If this means you cutting out people that do not help you positively to achieve the life you want, so be it. If your schedule will be affected for the better, effect that change. List things to do to help you adapt.

The discussions below will give more ideas on how to cope with change.

What is adapting to change?

To realize the intended benefits of a major change, the people affected must possess sufficient energy for the adaptation process to unfold. The capacity to adapt involves the mental, emotional and physical means to incorporate new mindsets and behaviors.

Why do we need to accept change?

It is important to accept in a positive manner as it helps you be flexible. It is suggested to stop cowering from fear, develop defenses and fear away from you.

Why is change difficult to accept?

People resist change because they believe they will lose something of value, or fear they will not be able to adapt to the new ways.

It’s significant change to their daily routine, which is deeply emotional because it threatens their level of safety and security.

Here are seven steps you can use to overcome the fear of change:

1. Life is change and change means life.

2. Accept situation, but don’t resign yourself to it.

3. See failing as something positive.

4. Celebrate every little success.

5. Be responsible

6. Be patient

7. Step outside your comfort zone.

References

* https://www.connerpartners.com/frameworks-and-processes/how-do-people-learn-to-adapt-to-change

* https://content.wisestep.com.accepting-change-workplace-difficulty-benefits/

* https://www.liquidplanner.com-why-is-organizational-change-so-hard/

* https://wsimag.com-wellness-22073-overcome-your-fear-of-change/

Xoxo,

Imani🌼

A beautiful confusion.

Words are the source of misunderstanding – Keyukemi

Hello my lovelies okay this is something I wrote a while ago. I didn’t like it at first but I’ve been encouraged to put my writing out there so I hope you guys like it too.🌻

We are the children of the broken generation. We are the children who have experienced life in it’s realty. It’s true form. We are the children who have come of age before we truly mature. We are the ones born into an era of sexism, rascism, gender inequality, homophobia…. hate. We have one mission; understanding the universe. But we have come to the realization that there are some things that one cannot truly comprehend and that these things will forever be out of our grasp. Tainted is one word you could use to describe us. The future nestled on our shoulders, our youth a constant reminder of our responsibilities. How do we make a future for ourselves when our parents are the only determinants on whether we’ve been groomed properly or not? Our presents are already marred by the sins of our fathers. We try so hard to pretend that we’re okay, that we’re not slowly losing our minds. We almost never talk about our feelings. We tell a million different people how we feel about a million different things but when it comes to the real us, how we really feel…. we’re lost. I guess that’s why we listen to the music we do. The music does it for us. We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together. We make it feel like we’re together but we’re not. Maybe that’s what makes us and at the same time breaks us. It’s a melancholy, enigmatic you might say. We are broken but it is this hurt that makes us whole, that defines us. We’re broken yet whole,shattered but still strong, divided but united.... lonely together. One may not appreciate the true beauty of this situation. Perhaps these are just the words of a confused black teenager struggling in the world but it is a beautiful confusion. One that may never be truly understood but I guess that’s okay.

xoxo,

Keyukemi.

Where are you?🤕

She couldn’t believe her eyes. She thought she was dreaming. She came home from school that day to see what she could not have imagined in her wildest dreams. A part of her had been lost that moment forever. To her, there was to be no happy life afterwards. The sight of her mother in the pool of blood left her anguished for a long time. Things would never be the same.

She remembered the promises of forever but that had been broken. She couldn’t believe her life that had been so perfect could be shattered in a jiffy. Days passed and all she thought of were the memories, the things they planned would never be done. She was on her own, lost in a maze of despair.

The death of her mother brought the end and beginning of so many things. It was the end of her ineffable joy,endless laughter, real smiles, dance classes, clarinet classes, double dutch training. It was the end of all the good she had in her and of course, the beginning of darkness. She always lurked around dark corners where she’d harm herself and take drugs. Slowly, she became an addict. She changed her friends and hung around bad company all the time. She lost it; she lost her game, frame and name.

Years passed and Jessie did nothing about her situation. Most people ignored her actions with the belief that it’s just a teenage trend and she would get over it…sadly, it got over her. At 18, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She let her loss affect her future and ended up ruining all the good things she could have done with herself.

The loss of a loved one has many impacts on the human mind. A good instance is Jessie’s life. She lost herself and gave in to drugs and bad relationships. Where did she end up? Now, I am pretty sure her mum wouldn’t have wanted that for her.

It really is an arduous situation to cope with but trust me when I say you’d pull through it if you make up your mind to. And yeah, you’ll need a bunch of trust worthy helping friends👫👬.

So many have been depressed for much less.

Need people to help you out, let’s talk in the comments below.

XOXO,😚

Imani.

Better days…🏖

Hoping that today will be bright and fair when I open the curtains“, Sophie said.

It had been raining since the past few weeks. Things had changed over time. Businesses were running slow. Some schools had closed down. Scraps of structures everywhere. The rain we all hoped for turned out to be our greatest monster.

Recently, mum began building a store for provisions and dad began some work on the farm. My brother just got a job and my sister started preschool. Me, I just began loosing my true self. I couldn’t tell anyone; they all had their personal problems.

I looked outside my window into the neighborhood. They all seemed so happy. Kids playing with their pets, teens wearing lovely dresses to school and other things my eyes could see. I was…was…was…. Can’t say how I felt but I knew I was gonna loose myself if someone didn’t get me.

I had too many hopes. 1…2…3…4…and so on. I wished all my hopes could turn to reality… Of all my hopes, my greatest hope was that I could someday get out of the hole I was entering deeper by the hour and not turn out to be a monster( the rain)… That’s my story.

I hope for better days…

If you can relate…let’s talk in the comments below…😊

Xoxo,

Favour🌼

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